It’s Me, Hi, I’m the Problem It’s Me
It was 2021 and I had just started my first big-girl office job. Was knowing how to use Excel a requirement in the job description when I applied for this position…nope. Was I expected to be an Excel expert on my first day… absolutely. Okay maybe I am being a bit dramatic and expertise was not the goal, but in those first few months on the job I found myself sweating as I’d open Excel and labor over complicated spreadsheets filled with numbers, math equations and foreign characters (did I mention I’m not a numbers gal?). I’d type in the complicated formulas and somehow would never get the total I was supposed to. Something must be wrong with Excel itself, I thought. I was following the formulas to a tee and there’s no way I was the one messing things up.
After several internal scream sessions, flailing of the arms and ultimately a call with IT, I realized in the wise words of Taylor Swift, “It’s me, hi, I’m the problem it’s me.” Yes, I was the one typing in the wrong inputs and getting the wrong outputs. Who would have thought?
So what does this silly story have to do with today’s holiday? Valentine’s Day is a day that celebrates love and relationships. Whether you are dating, single, engaged, married, a friend, a family member or anything in between, this story has a few nuggets of truth to offer in every kind of relationship.
So often we get frustrated in our relationships because we view the other person as the problem. We think we need to change or fix them in order for things to work out.
The truth is, we all bring baggage and unhealthy behaviors into relationships. This Valentine’s Day, I encourage you to take an introspective look, recognize and own up to the unhealthy behaviors or patterns that you contribute to your relationships and take a step in making a positive change. By switching up your input, you may just get a different outcome.
No matter what type of relationship you are in, here are a few practical ways you can take ownership of what you bring to the table and focus on making positive changes within, instead of trying to change the other person.
Own your percent
When we are in grade school we learn that conflict involves at least two people. This fact doesn’t change as we grow up. Sometimes when we are in a heated argument, we blame the other person for everything and view ourselves as perfect. But this is not the case. If you get into a situation and think the other person is 90% of the problem, take responsibility for the 10% of what's yours. How do we do this? Name your 10%. Say it out loud and own up to what you did to contribute to the negative interaction. Then, think of three action steps you can do to correct that 10% and put them into practice. For some of us, we may be closer to 50% or more of the problem, which may call for a few more action steps. Apologizing and asking for forgiveness is a great place to start!
2. Pause and reflect
Sometimes when we are emotional and in the heat of the moment, we lose perspective and focus only on the negative things about our relationship. Next time you get into a relational argument, take some time to pause and reflect on the following questions.
What are three things I love about the other person?
What are three things I want to be different in my relationship with that person?
What are three things I am sorry for?
What are three things I can be better at?
Take time to write your answers down. Think and pray about them. Ask God to humble you and allow you to share some of your answers with the other person.
3. Harville Hendrix's Imago Therapy
Harville Hendrix’s Imago Therapy is a tool that helps uncover how to get the love that you want from a relationship. Imago refers to an image of a familiar love.
An important part of using this tool is to remember that we are not defined by who we are from past experiences, our failures or our weaknesses. We are defined by who we are in Christ. If you need a reminder, check out Ephesians 2:10 which says, “For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.”
Here is an example of how the therapy works. If we received judgmental, close-minded responses as a child, then our own judgemental, close-minded responses may trigger a reaction in our spouse. We can get stuck in a cycle where our response triggers a reaction from our spouse that mirrors the way we grew up
Thought: “She always leaves the cabinet doors open. This bugs me! Why does she do that? She must do it just to bug me.”
Action: Take responsibility for yourself by saying, “I am the one bothered by the cabinet doors being open. If I am the one bothered, then I will own it and shut the doors myself. I can ask if she'd be willing to shut the doors, but if she doesn't, I'll take care of it.”
This thought process allows you to stop pointing fingers at the one you love, own what you bring to the conflict and focus on what you can do to repair the relationship and improve future situations.
I hope these practical tools can help you own your part and bring a healthier version of yourself to each relationship. Counseling is also a great way to focus on changing within instead of changing those around you. If you are interested in getting connected with a counselor from The Breaking Ground, visit https://www.thebreakingground.com/services.
It’s important to remember that the strength and power to create lasting change does not come from within or from anyone or anything here on Earth. True life change comes from Christ. Invite Him into your relationships and ask Him to change you from the inside out. He is faithful and will come through!
